My major battle through life had been fornication. I always felt more secure and better about myself when I was in a relationship and so I never allowed myself to be out of one. The men I chose were of course not Christian because I was backslidden. I had given my life to Christ very early at the age of 10 and even before that I could remember just loving God soooooooooooo much -goo goo gaga love. He was like my stuffed toy and I used to see him in pajamas going to sleep when I was going to sleep.
Satan’s strategy however to destroy me was (Praise God I can say “was”) my sexuality and he began to get to work on me very early. At a very tender age of 7, I was exposed to sex indirectly. My first best friend, a neighbor, used to come over to play with me and she would tell me quite innocently that her Daddy used to do things to her that I’d rather not mention. Well, that’s a whole long story by itself .But God revealed to me a few years ago that, that was the origin of my life’s struggle.
I was also surrounded with playmates-cousins who were themselves exposed at the school they attended and they often brought their “findings” to me. I never revealed anything to my parents who really had no way of knowing.
Ultimately, I found myself having strong sexual desires from very early.
Up until Form One I was walking with God so much that a girl in my class with a very puzzled look on her face asked me one time “How you so hooooly? and stupid?” (I used to take charge of and lead meetings in the prayer room). So my close walk with God kept me in check.
By the time I got to Form Two, the girl who became “the third best friend” in my history of friends, a Canadian girl who was just starting school in Trinidad, was sexually active and she shared with me letters she received from her best friend back in Canada – a white 27 year old, note carefully that my “third best friend” was only 13 detailing very graphically all her sexual adventures with her boyfriend. This is just some background to what I came to realize was a strategic attack on my life.
I continued to love God passionately but “broke away.”
(I never dared say to anyone that I was Christian. When asked I would say that I go to church) In hindsight I realized that it was very easy to “break away” in the particular denominational church to which I belonged because that was how many of the devotees lived. When I eventually became sexually active in the real full sense I decided that I would have to marry the guy because I always promised myself and God that “it would be my husband and my husband alone.” Well, the guy was a possessive “psychotic” guy and had I not found the courage to leave him I could very well have been a statistic.
I lived out of God’s will for 16 years (not easily, with profound guilt) and God told me “Enough is enough” when I got pregnant with my son.
He told me I had to change for my sake and the child’s.
The turmoil surrounding my pregnancy is another story by itself. Prayer and crying out to God became a necessary routine.
I suddenly found myself quite easily ready to give up every ungodly practice that I had struggled with for 16 years! Carnival became a sour thing; the thought of parties became a nauseating one. Sexual sin was something I was never comfortable with either and I guess I couldn’t hide it well because my “other” would always pick up on it, but I had always felt that I had to “comply” to “keep a man.”
I had victory in many areas of my life and the last victory was to overcome fornication.
A few years ago, for the FIRST time in my life after having undergone constant defeat, I was able to say, without any struggle at all, “I’m sorry, I’m hurting God and as a matter of fact, I feel disgusted with you and me.” I praise God that to date that disgust remains. However, when Satan realizes that his defeat is permanent in one area he tries another. Well, that’s where porn stepped in. Mind you, I still had bouts of desire and thoughts of fulfilling it. I had my own personal antics coupled with fervent and desperate prayer.
Nevertheless, while innocently surfing channels one night “Skin to the Max” appears and the finger that was briskly surfing goes on pause. The outcome was that a new way to satisfy sexual desire without being with a man was discovered and I went through a brief but very intense period of battle all over again!
The familiar pattern of sinning, crying, self-loathing and deeeep anger and depression began again. I cursed myself and Satan.
I eventually gave up. I GAVE UP.
I got to the point that I was hopeless and thought that God should deal with me harshly. I felt I wasn’t getting what I truly deserved and I also felt that I would not stop and that I would go to hell and deservingly so. So one night after “another bout” I said to Satan, and I tell you, I meant it like Jesus means it when He says He loves us, “Ok, you win, but I’ tell you this, I will praise Him down in hell!” It had been a while that I had stopped caring about myself and it’s still that way.
I couldn’t deal anymore with the trauma of hurting God. It was as if He was a husband or some very dear person whose feelings became more important than my own.
The very next day, everything disappeared. It was as if I was blasting radio and someone just unplugged me without warning. I had been praying hard seemingly without success for sexual desires to be corked and released again only and if a husband came along. Well, sexual desires were corked and to date still are. Nothing moves me. I’m ‘dead’. Praise God!
So you see, this testimony is not easy to share apart from the fact that it is STRANGE albeit wonderful. I have shared it one or two people, without saying what the battle was. I just say “an area in my life” or “a struggle.” What do I say to people, don’t give up and your victory will come! I can guarantee you though that God can deliver us from ANYTHING. My last boyfriend said to me, you will never be able to keep up with celibacy. He was absolutely convinced. Poor fella was being used by Satan.
I had been praying for something “unnatural”, for sexual desire to be removed and God answered me when He was ready. He answered me when I had given up, but He answered.
I thank God for His mercy, that He saw it fit to respond in the way He did to my abysmal despairing when we think things aren’t working out, that He’s too passive and that He isn’t there, He’s right there!
Image Credit: shutterstock/George Muresan