Insecurity, Shame, Guilt, Self-hate and unforgiveness once ruled my life. All my life I would say I was not the smallest kid in town. I had a lot of baby weight entering secondary school. It was soon planted into my mind that I needed to look a certain way to make it in this new school. I started with slimfast shakes, which then turned into appetite suppressants, to diet pills to the worst tasting herbal teas. You name it, I tried it.
I joined this aerobics club and kept with this for the year of form 2. I lost a lot of my baby weight from it however I got very lazy and bored of it.
I was constantly bombarded with comments about my weight and how I looked from my mother.
She would say “look at your arms, they are bigger than my foot.” Or “you look soo fat today. You need to go back on that diet” or “to make it in this life, you need to look a certain way so you need to work on your appearance”. This is just a few out of my daily share of comments. Day by day I consumed these comments and was soon tortured in my own mind. I hated myself so much. Being around the girls at school, I had a desire to be “popular” but I convinced myself that I had to look like them to achieve this. In form 3, I came to such a low point in my life. I was so tired of trying to be this person and I found it was taking too long.
One day I had a large breakfast and felt so guilty for eating it because I was supposedly on a diet. I sat in the school chapel and was bombarded with thoughts like “look at you, you’re so fat. Can’t even control yourself. You’re going to put back on all that weight. Why not take control. Go throw up that food. You could have control…” so I left the chapel, headed to the bathroom, and that was the beginning of the next four (4) years of my life. I forced myself to throw up that food and suddenly felt I had control.
The next day I said I wouldn’t eat anything.
I starved myself for 2 days and felt sick and decided I needed to eat but I could now just get rid of it. I would make myself throw up about 4-5 times in one day, every day. It became like an addiction. I couldn’t go a day without doing this. I became overly depressed and my self-esteem was beyond low.
I even wanted to die and convinced myself this would eventually kill me which was also a motivation…(yeah my thoughts were messed up).
I told one of my friends about what I was doing and she told my prefect who told a teacher who then told the dean who eventually told my mother after a while. All my mother told me was “your teacher told me you make yourself throw up but there are other ways. You don’t have to do it like that “and that was the end of conversation. She never asked me about it after, nor tried to help me, so I continued.
I would be vomiting in the bathroom and she would be right outside the door washing. This practice caused me to be sick a lot but of course the doctor could never tell me what was wrong because I never told him. After a year, I tried to stop. I would go some days without throwing up and feel horrible about myself and then feel the need to do it. This went on on-and-off for the next 2 years.
One day a girl invited me to Champion Dynamics. I told her I was already a Christian so I don’t need to attend another church. She insisted and even picked me up, so I went a Tuesday but I went with the mindset that I am already a Christian so I didn’t really pay attention. Two weeks later she invited me again, but on a Friday instead. That day I ate a lot of crap and of course I was on a diet, so your girl decided she was going to buy a laxative. The instruction said to take a teaspoonful mixed with some water, but I emptied the entire bottle into a bottle of water and drank all of it. So you can only imagine what was my situation that evening. I said, “God if I really am to go tonight, you would stop this.” And 5 minutes before time to leave, my stomach settled so I went.
Let’s just say, that night changed my life. Over a period I went through deliverance for this. I also had to forgive my parents in the process. God TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY removed Bulimia and all its lies from my life.
God’s love and comfort and mighty power delivered me from this way of life for me.
I could stand today, God being my witness and say that I have been totally delivered from this. I now see this as impossible to even think about. I was able to react in love towards my parents because I saw it as the enemy trying to have a hold on me and also that my parents too have a life and have their struggles and that they mean no harm.
I no longer carry unforgiveness, but instead I walk in the love of Christ over my life.
I thank God every day for doing this marvelous work in my life that I once saw as impossible. What’s impossible for man is possible with God. Psalm 139 is my favorite psalm and if ever I feel weak, I just read this and I’m reminded of God’s love to me. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” How precious are his thoughts to me. WOW.
I pray this testimony ministers to someone who may be going through the same. God wants to help you. Trust him. He is faithful and loving and he works wonders if you just believe.
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